The beginning of chapter 24: My Birthday, What I am Working on & dealing with anxiety

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Hello everyone, I’ve just celebrated by birthday yesterday. What I have noticed is that birthdays are not only for spending time with loved ones and celebrating, it is also about reflection, I feel like there is a lot of pressure on people when it comes to birthdays because the older you become, the higher the expectations come such having a good and stable job and income by a certain age, having children and whether you own your home yet (under this economy!) You always feel the pressure to EARN something to celebrate about, yes we should celebrate the fact that we are alive and be extremely thankful but birthdays also makes us analyse our lives even more.

My goal for this blog is to focus on and share the positives in my life such as my experiences with beautiful countries, lovely food hot spots and my purchases, the little things that pick me up and so on… However not only do I want to show the positives but I want to show the hard work and struggle behind what I am working on and will achieve so that I can inspire others to always find that glimmer of hope to keep pushing no matter how bleak a persons situation appears.

So firstly, I am going to be discussing my birthday and as you can guess now that you know that I am going to write the realest posts on here that my birthday was not perfect, in fact it went pear shaped! The day ranged from me being caught in a storm, my umbrella blowing inside out, ending up on public transport after a football match and having two major panic attacks! This does not help as I have recently been struggling to leave the house and my anxiety has become crippling due to triggers from exam and university stress in my final year of psychology along with suffering from claustrophobia & agoraphobia. These major panic attacks made me realise that I need to change and refuse to let this beat me after that horrifying experience, during one of the panic attacks/public meltdowns I had, I luckily found a Costa and found myself crying in a corner to my mum whilst waiting for my friend and thought…this is bad, I am 24 and hit rock bottom. What I can advise is that my anxiety did almost diminish when I did initially leave the house (before the triggers and for long distance) and it is the actual anticipation of the event which causes more anxiety, what triggered me being anxious about leaving the house was not going out enough, this actually stemmed from me just turning up to lectures and going home and those journeys were nerve wracking! (particularly on the way to exams ect). It is getting over that initial push and facing it along with consistency.

So, as the day went on I met up this good friend and decided to try out this vegan Chinese restaurant and guess what happens? it is closed. However we managed to hang out, have some caramel brownies and delicious coconut smoothies and hot chocolate in this lovely cosy cafe in Camden and head back to mine and have a lovely meal at my local pub with my family. What was an eye opener was when we stayed up all night talking about our dreams and aspirations, actually, no I refuse to say the word dream! I tend to replace it with goals. I cannot stress how powerful the power of manifestation is, for instance when it comes to anything you want in life you have to act as if you already have it, I struggled to give up smoking numerous times and failed, particularly when I said “I am going to quit” only until I learned that principle. I quit smoking for a month now (completely cold turkey too) until I finally told myself with extreme will power “I no longer smoke, I am NOT a smoker” (even though I technically was) and I managed to achieve it with that mindset because I acted like I already achieved it, this subject is a lot more complex as I am only describing the basic principle. Anyway, we reflected on a lot and I was inspired by this woman’s will power despite the negativity and struggles she has, she still believes in herself, she wants it bad enough and she WILL get it!

So, my new path? It is not like me to tell or post about what I am working on but I want to talk some passion into the universe and embrace my new path! So, I am working on (yes I AM, the way you talk is so crucial!) pursuing a modelling career while I am still in my 20’s. I am working on eventually getting paid to do something I enjoy so that I can be financially free and have time for my children and so that I can travel the world. I am working on getting back into shape, having that amazing size 8 toned and slender figure so that I can look amazing when approaching good model agencies like I.M.M, Samantha Bond & Girl along with looking amazing for online collabs/work. I am working on embracing my natural beauty and getting my long dark hair (that I once hated) and glow back. I also am working on finding that amazing husband I can travel, share my experiences and start a family with, someone that will respect my sexual history and wont judge me for being a “loser” (I’ve only slept with one guy who I thought I was going to marry and have been TORTURED for it by guys, I apparently haven’t slept with enough people) and most of all an amazing, caring man who none of these guys I have encountered can EVEN compare to, the same goes for finding somebody or settling down, I am going to go out to f*cking get and find him so we can do this travel blog together and live the life (and so that he could be my photographer too lol), even if I have to force myself out the house to get chatted up by creeps and to deal with bs with dating sites, nothing worth it comes easy!

The whole point of me writing this is to show people that you have to go through some horrible bs to find your true passion, I went to shitty colleges, done shitty jobs and even spent three years at a university I hated where I could not connect with anybody, it was so bad that I did not even turn up to graduation! I had to go through that hell to pursue my passion. Why? Because firstly, if I started modelling/blogging at 18 before my degree, I would have less opportunities because the opportunities on social media did not blow up as much back in 2012/2013. Also I had to do my Psychology degree to find out that constant report writing and a 9-5 is not a lifestyle that is suitable for me and that I did not want to be surrounded by negative people like the students on my course but if I did not venture and complete it, I wouldn’t be aware of how intellectually capable I am!

There was this one particular shit experience I had with a guy who turned out to be an ass-hole I was talking to from a dating site but with our long conversations we discussed self-employment and working from social media which sparked this idea for me. So if you are going through hell and are on the wrong path, it will lead you to wake up and see sense in the long run, sounds cliche but everything happens for a reason and the negative can lead to the positive!

You have to trust the universe and gods plan for your life because I sure do. Now because of the disappointments and bad stuff i’ve overcome, I am going to work so hard that everybody who wronged me will regret it deeply and become sick with envy, I am going to get to such a successful point with my modelling and blogging career that every guy who ruined their chance and messed things up will mention my name at a bar and the fact they were involved with me the bartender would say “Who? Her?! You’ve got to be kidding I think you’ve had too much to drink!”, THAT is what motivates me and are the only goals I will be focusing on, not more British education which technically does not qualify you, not on a pyramid scheme which pays peanuts or any other wrong opportunity I almost got caught up on and I am ever so thankful that I found my purpose. You’ve got to suffer before you find that true spark, fire and motivation so If you guys don’t know what you want to do yet or are in a situation you hate, keep moving!

This is a very deep and detailed post, I hope this inspired and motivated you guys.